Unlike a trip with the girls or couples group, a beacation is a one-on-one getaway with your partner: no kids, no friends, no work, just you. And with the stress of life, work, and the holiday season, it’s well overdue.
So, the vacation you planned centering reconnection and relaxation must go off without a hitch, much like the swoon-worthy Instagram reels of couples enjoying a waterside floating breakfast in Bali. Right? Well, unfortunately, not all vacations go swimmingly. But we don’t want you to jump ship on your beacation (or relationship). That’s why we reached out to two mental health experts— Sydney James, LCSW , and Dr. Tiara Watford, LCSW, BCTMH— for guidance on rebounding after an argument while away.
So does arguing on vacation mean your relationship is doomed? “Absolutely not,” says Sydney James, licensed clinical social worker and founder of Black on Black Therapy. She notes that in her work, she doesn’t witness couples who want to engage in arguments on vacation because they offer a moment to reconnect after having a baby, infidelity, or another significant disruption to their day-to-day lives. However, she says, if an argument crops up, it is typically reminiscent of something already present within the relationship and might be fiscally related.
“The most common topic of disagreement, whether on vacation or not, is around finances,” she tells ESSENCE. “But it’s more than a disagreement over dollar amounts spent on the vacation. Disagreements due to money are value differences between what one partner would like to spend more money on over the other.”
No matter the source of the disagreement, before you jet off on your next baecation, here are some things to consider if conflict does show up as a plus one.
Table Hot Button Topics
Let the internet tell us any disagreements or nonperfect interactions in a relationship means it’s doomed. “Arguing on vacation is not cause concern over the health of a relationship,” James shares. How the agreement is resolved might indicate a more significant issue. But she recommends reserving hot-button topics for later discussion.
“Relationship argument triggers are indicators that a topic is a hot-button issue,” she says. If you’re curious about the meaning of a hot-button issue, they’re topics that always come up but are never resolved. Resolution on a week-long getaway is unlikely, so put those on your discussion to-do list once you’re back home. However, for more minor agreements, James advises addressing them. “It’s harder to get back to a good place if both partners leave their thoughts, feelings, and needs to be unsaid for the duration of the vacation.”
Talk It Out to Reestablish Intimacy
Communication is the key to any relationship. However, it can be uncomfortable to air grievances with your partner, especially if things are already shaky and you’re supposed to be having fun. But Dr. Tiara Watford, LCSW, BCTMH, therapist, and founder of Inspired to Grow, says this is the only way through. Going around isn’t sustainable. “I believe in giving each other cool-down moments (5-30 minutes),” she says.
After you and your partner have cooled off, she says that is the time for an open conversation to discuss where you went wrong, apologize, and move forward. Additionally, Watford tells us that making changes based on learnings from the discussion is essential to decrease the likelihood of you all arguing again. “Remember, you all are on vacation and to enjoy those moments away from stressors and responsibilities.”
Taking this step will take lots of vulnerability and self-awareness, but it’s the best way to reconnect and make more time to enjoy your vacation.
Check Back In
After an argument, you might feel things have been resolved, but James recommends checking in. “It’s good practice to check back in with each other to ensure both partners continue to be happy about the resolution,” she shares. “In the case of arguments that are not resolved on vacation, make a plan to address the issue further when you return home.”
Alternatively, if your partner is stonewalling or completely disengaged, you may want to give up and remove yourself from the ongoing problem. But James recommends steering clear of taking extreme measures like moving rooms as long as safety isn’t an issue. “For example, if a couple usually has a pattern of avoiding conflict, they may want to take extreme measures such as ending the vacation, moving rooms, or booking an alternative flight, but this does nothing but prolongs the resolution process. Now, a partner that needs to take a walk before re-engaging in conflict resolution is different, and both partners should self-soothe before trying to smooth things over.”
Remember Why You’re There
Listen, disagreements happen, and conflict in a relationship is normal. We encourage you to remember why you wanted to spend this one-on-one time with your partner. Watford agrees. “Time is precious, and while you’re upset, you miss the need for the vacation. Although, it is normal for things to continue to be tense. I am a believer in resolving problems with effective communication. Communication and comprehension is the key to moving forward from a disagreement. Trust me, it could be a small misunderstanding, and the only way to find out is to sit down and have that talk.”
Thoughtful communication is the through-line of each expert’s advice. Can it be challenging to open up to your partner? Yes. But the more you share, even when things get heated, the easier it’ll be to get back to love and, in this case, your vacation.
