This story is featured in the September/October issue of ESSENCE, available now.
For Black women, friendship and sisterhood are sacred, with an unspoken language of shared experiences. However, it can get complicated. Life happens—like the arrival of an unprecedented global pandemic in COVID-19. Nowadays, our friendship dynamics may look and feel a little different; and the idea of making new friends can be daunting. But Marisa G. Franco, Ph.D., believes we can develop healthy bonds in every phase of living, no matter what is happening around us. It just might require some effort.
“We take this template from childhood, of friendships happening organically, and we bring it into adulthood—only to discover that it doesn’t always work out that way,” says Franco, a psychologist and professor at the University of Maryland. As the author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends, due in bookstores September 6, Franco offers suggestions for making connections, with step-by-step guidelines on how to be a better pal. Her work asserts that friend love is just as important as any other type of love, despite societal norms reflecting otherwise. To have a well–balanced social life, she says, we must allow ourselves to be vulnerable. But a 2020 Psychology of Women Quarterly study suggests the “strong Black woman schema” can be a barrier. “It’s difficult to be truly authentic when you feel the pressure to be seen as strong,” Franco says. “Inauthenticity makes us lonely. We have to let ourselves be who we are.”
Many of us are trying. Technology, specifically social media, can be a useful starting point in building bridges. It certainly has been helpful for Ohio resident Deborah N., who witnessed her friendships drift over the past few years due to the pandemic. Between being a caregiver to her mother and raising two young children, the 51-year-old stay-at-home mom says this period in time has been surprisingly isolating. “I lead a busy life, and it’s just hard to make contact with other people,” she admits. She says Facebook groups are one way she has maintained a diverse circle, online and off.
Social media can also help us to network with like minds in a new town. Elaisha Jade, 29, found her sisterfriends during lockdown after announcing on social media that she was relocating from Toronto to Vancouver for a job. A self-professed introvert, she forced herself to proactively schedule in-person meetups with online connections, which led to her fostering the tribe she needed. “The meetups were the result of side introductions from other people,” says the marketing professional and meditation facilitator/teacher. “From there I was able to create a core group.” Jade notes that constantly making plans, and refusing to be discouraged when people didn’t get back to her, were essential in her process. The lesson? Orchestrate ways you can convert online contacts into real-life friendships. This process helps us develop our “social infrastructure,” Franco stresses.
Ultimately, building and maintaining a solid circle of people, however you choose, creates an environment for healing—especially following trauma. This was the idea that inspired Platonic, after Franco realized the power of friends in her own life when she found herself reeling from personal losses.
After the last three years, loss is something we know all too well. “I hope anyone who reads the book will see friendship as a commitment and a responsibility and a joy and a healing force,” says Franco. “Friendship could be so much more than our culture imagines it,” she continues. “Just deeper, more profound, healthier and more fulfilling types of relationships. That’s why I hope people will go out and make friends—because every time you make a friend, someone else does too.”
CODE-BREAKING 101
Marisa G. Franco, Ph.D., breaks down the science of building and nurturing community
1) Assume everyone wants to meet you. “We get older and have this false assumption that everybody has friends already,” Franco says. In fact, now is a perfect time to make new connections, following COVID-19 lockdowns. So don’t be afraid to introduce yourself: “People are less likely to reject us than we think.”
2) Make friends through your routine. Look, everyone’s busy. Franco says that’s why it works to incorporate friendship-bonding into your regular schedule. Ask yourself, What is something I need to do, and can I do it with community? Want to get healthy? Join a run club or a workout class. Growing your business? Find a creative-entrepreneur community. New mom? Book a playdate with a mom whose parenting style you admire.
3) Don’t avoid conflict. Every relationship has ups and downs, and friendships are no different. Franco believes anger or hurt can be an opportunity to forge a deeper connection—but it’s all about your approach. “The way you bring up conflict can be an act of love,” she says. “It takes sharing your experience, rather than telling the other person about themselves.”
4) Diversify your social circle.
Many uncomfortable cross-cultural conversations are taking place in the wake of the racial reckoning of 2020. These shouldn’t be a barrier to making friends of varied backgrounds. “We need to interact with different people and feel comfortable bringing our full self to the friendship, even if the other person doesn’t share our identity,” Franco says. Be open, but also have boundaries.
Lenora E. Houseworth (@LenoraSheWrote) is a marketer and writer passionate about wellness and culture.
