I’ve been through two heartbreaking breakups in my life. One was with my ex-boyfriend. He was older than me, from a different culture, and we fought often. We disagreed on the hierarchy of our romantic relationship versus my long-standing sisterhood with my girl gang. The importance I placed on them led to our breakup. A year later, I went through another breakup with one of my best friends. Guess which one was worse?
During the initial phases of the pandemic, many of us were doing everything we could to stay connected to our friends: weekly Zoom kickbacks, virtual dinner parties, and coordinated choreography sessions trying to learn the “Savage” TikTok challenge. Now, years on, as the 24-hour news cycle continues to be bleak, our discourse online has trended towards the importance of “protecting your energy,” some of us are slowly realizing that certain friends might be the actual energy vampires. According to the 2019 Friendship Report, “Gen Z is adjusting their approach to friendship away from the Millennial desire for widespread networks and are looking for more closeness and intimacy with a smaller group.”
Could they be onto something?
My breakup with my best friend happened for several reasons. Still, ultimately as her mental health started to decline due to several personal issues, she became mentally and emotionally manipulative toward me. I let it slide because this was my friend, or so I thought. But as time passed (read: years), I realized this was a toxic relationship that could no longer continue. It all came to a head one night while we were on the phone when she again made up multiple lies to isolate me from our friend group. I had enough, cussed her out, and hung up. On the one hand, I felt the most significant weight lift from my shoulders, but on the other, I realized that that was probably the last time I would ever speak to one of my best friends.
While I will advocate for the importance of true friendship, if your mental health is on the line or you’re both just growing in different directions, it might be time to re-evaluate your circle.
Here are some signs it might be time:
It Feels Like They Are Draining You More Than Energizing You
A true friendship feels like home—it’s calming, safe, and where you can be your true self. They give you life, affirm you, and can cry laughter with you in one second and empathetic sadness in the next. True friendships are so rare that most of us only have 3-5 people in our lives whom we’ve given that honor, according to this 2020 study. So when it feels like the air in your lungs is being sucked dry every time you see someone, or you have to brace yourself and prepare to be in their presence because of how taxing their energy is, think about what your definition of a true friend is and from there you can decide if this person is worth the energy you’re expending.
The Relationship Feels One-Sided
If you only hear from your friend when they need something from you or want to emotionally dump on you for the millionth time about their problems, then sis, you’re in a one-sided relationship. Some of us lean more introverted, so being the “listener” in a friendship doesn’t phase us. But, if your friend is always ready to spill the tea about their life, drama, and highs & lows without ever checking in on how you’re doing, you might need to re-evaluate. We all want to support our friends when they’re in need, but when the scales forever tip in their favor, you’re not honoring your self-worth. Keeping your self-worth means, “I care for you, but I feel like you don’t care for me because you never ask me how I’m doing.”
You’ve Simply Grown Apart
Only some people will make it with you to each stage of your life. You know how the saying goes—some people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. From cross-country moves, career switches, and expanding families, sometimes inevitable life changes can slowly push a best friend to become just an acquaintance. It’s unfortunate, but just like with romantic relationships, it’s better to have loved (a best friend) and had to let them go than to have not loved them at all. While growing apart doesn’t mean you can’t remain connected or in touch with your friend, it’s okay to miss them and cherish the memories you shared while knowing your friendship might not ever be the same. It’s also a good reminder to cherish the friends who continue to last with you throughout each stage of life.
As we grow older, we tolerate less, and our time and space become more and more sacred. The people we call friends must be too. If you are considering a breakup or a slow fade away from your best friend, remember that you both might have issues you want to discuss with the other person.
Having a conversation about how you’re feeling is an excellent first step, and if it ends up being time to part ways, do it out of love and to free both them and yourself.
